A Sprinter's Guide to 3 Gap

by Anonymous

From Dahlonega, go for a while until you hit a terrible climb at about 5 miles out. Think this is the first gap, only to find out you’re not even there yet. Finally crest this massive climb and ride another 5 or so decent miles from the rock pile to the base of the tallest mountain in the world. Begin the epic ascent up Neel’s Gap, which lasts an eternity and is almost all uphill. Man, this climbing stuff is really hard when you are going 6 mph with a heart rate of 190 and you only have 46 miles to go. When you finally reach the top, take a breather, sleep a while, and eat some food before the glorious descent down the mountain. Watch and laugh as you pass all the skinny climbers who you last saw just outside Dahlonega as you hurtle down the mountain at speeds approaching 100
mph. Start braking several miles before the sharp left onto the second highest pass in the world, Wolfpen Gap. Halfway up the gap, you realize that the constant puking is making you lighter and helping you negotiate the altitude and accompanying freezing
temperatures. It’s also making it hard for the skinny climbers to pass you as they slip and slide in the trail behind you. However, after torturous hours of climbing the 19% average grade and being passed by everyone except the old man in the walker, you finally crest the climb and begin the wily descent down the mountain. As you increase to the 100 mph level, you realize that the small children that passed you on the climb need some warning before you run over them so you start howling like a siren to scare them off the road. This works and the inertia of the descent carries you half way to the store stop. After covering the final half to the store, another stop for food and sleep is warranted. This revives and replenishes you and it’s time for the final climb of
the day, Woody’s Gap. The smallest and easiest of the three gaps, it only takes a few hours to climb. At the top, you realize that all the work you have done to this point is worth it as the road tilts down and you begin your descent. As your brakes spontaneously catch fire and your tires start to melt, you realize you have set a new land speed record of over 600 mph.
Afraid that the approaching sonic boom will harm the children, you wait to get close to those skinny climbers who laughed at you on the slopes of Wolfpen as you weaved back and forth to maintain forward progress. As they come into view, you push a few
pedal strokes in the 11 and as you pass 761 mph, the accompanying sonic boom paves your way through the carnage of these so called cyclists. At the rock pile, the momentum of your descent allows you to crest what you thought was the first gap with relative ease and the approach back to Dahlonega is uneventful. Unfortunately, no one told you about the “climb” beside Wal-Mart and although you have a seemingly insurmountable lead, the entire group passes you on this last gut wrenching climb. As you approach the finish in downtown Dahlonega, your spirits are lifted as the road turns flat, but all hope is lost when that old man in the walker comes screaming up the Wal-Mart climb and beats you by a walker to the finish.