A Sprinter's Guide to 3 Gap
by Anonymous
From Dahlonega, go for a while until you hit a terrible climb at about 5
miles out. Think this is the first gap, only to find out you’re not even there
yet. Finally crest this massive climb and ride another 5 or so decent miles from
the rock pile to the base of the tallest mountain in the world. Begin the epic
ascent up Neel’s Gap, which lasts an eternity and is almost all uphill. Man,
this climbing stuff is really hard when you are going 6 mph with a heart rate of
190 and you only have 46 miles to go. When you finally reach the top, take a
breather, sleep a while, and eat some food before the glorious descent down the
mountain. Watch and laugh as you pass all the skinny climbers who you last saw
just outside Dahlonega as you hurtle down the mountain at speeds approaching 100
mph. Start braking several miles before the sharp left onto the second highest
pass in the world, Wolfpen Gap. Halfway up the gap, you realize that the
constant puking is making you lighter and helping you negotiate the altitude and
accompanying freezing
temperatures. It’s also making it hard for the skinny climbers to pass you as
they slip and slide in the trail behind you. However, after torturous hours of
climbing the 19% average grade and being passed by everyone except the old man
in the walker, you finally crest the climb and begin the wily descent down the
mountain. As you increase to the 100 mph level, you realize that the small
children that passed you on the climb need some warning before you run over them
so you start howling like a siren to scare them off the road. This works and the
inertia of the descent carries you half way to the store stop. After covering
the final half to the store, another stop for food and sleep is warranted. This
revives and replenishes you and it’s time for the final climb of
the day, Woody’s Gap. The smallest and easiest of the three gaps, it only takes
a few hours to climb. At the top, you realize that all the work you have done to
this point is worth it as the road tilts down and you begin your descent. As
your brakes spontaneously catch fire and your tires start to melt, you realize
you have set a new land speed record of over 600 mph.
Afraid that the approaching sonic boom will harm the children, you wait to get
close to those skinny climbers who laughed at you on the slopes of Wolfpen as
you weaved back and forth to maintain forward progress. As they come into view,
you push a few
pedal strokes in the 11 and as you pass 761 mph, the accompanying sonic boom
paves your way through the carnage of these so called cyclists. At the rock
pile, the momentum of your descent allows you to crest what you thought was the
first gap with relative ease and the approach back to Dahlonega is uneventful.
Unfortunately, no one told you about the “climb” beside Wal-Mart and although
you have a seemingly insurmountable lead, the entire group passes you on this
last gut wrenching climb. As you approach the finish in downtown Dahlonega, your
spirits are lifted as the road turns flat, but all hope is lost when that old
man in the walker comes screaming up the Wal-Mart climb and beats you by a
walker to the finish.